I was nineteen, call me.

I'm writing this because I'm kissing my teenage years goodbye, and waving hello to my twenties. It feels odd because now I can finally sing this song with all the heartbreak it deserves. It'll be nice to finally write about what nineteen meant to me.

Promises aren't always forever

But I bought this ring over the summer and it represents a promise to myself. That I will love myself forever.

This is all I have to say.

"To my first love: I'm grateful for you. Grateful that even though it wasn't what I hoped for and even though it was never enough, it was. Some things never are... and we were. I won't forget you. I won't forget the summer. I'll remember who I was when I met you. I'll remember who you were and how we've both changed and stayed the same. I've never had more respect for life and living than I have right now. Maybe it takes a near death experience to feel alive." - Frank Ocean

Fuck you, insomnia. (Or: Why is every guy I meet such a fucking douche?)

DISCLAIMER: The only reason why I put up "Summer Girl" is because I wanted to have a fun "IDGAF, I'M SINGLE" song up. This, for some reason, is what I came up with.

Fuckity fuck fuck. I haven't been able to sleep and now I have a damn headache and I'm nauseous. In any case, I've made a pledge to myself not to date until I find the right person. Why? Because I'm old enough to know what I want, and I won't stop till I get it. Okay, but really, Christa. What's the real reason? Every guy that I've come across in the past few months just doesn't cut it.

It's really been the first time in awhile without any true "back-ups" or men I've kept on the sidelines. I suppose there have been men who have tried to chat me up, but I've realized that I probably deserve much better than them. Yes, some of them are cute. But damn, the lot of them are just too forward or not attractive enough (yes, I know I don't deserve to be superficial, but everyone is and I really don't give a flying fuck anymore. I won't be able to fuck you if you don't catch my eye.)  I'm aware the bulk of what I'm saying will potentially be offensive, but I don't care. People probably aren't reading this anyway, so lucky for them.

"You said I wasn't capable of loving you, I never was."

It's starting to settle in that I won't be back in Omaha come fall. In the meantime, I'm filling my void of not seeing any of my friends through Skype, which has been a productive experience. The summer entering our third year of college is a decisively busy and hectic one-- some of us are struggling to keep afloat, others are busy getting ahead. I'm sort of stuck in this weird in-between sort of land, and I haven't begun to reconcile that I probably won't be seeing a lot of my best friends for awhile.

However, I got to Skype with one of my close friends, Linh, today and it was wonderful. I always love talking to her because we end up learning so much about each other, and about ourselves. We ended up talking about dating, and it's interesting to see how far we've both come from our past relationships, and where we think it lies ahead.

What the fuck WAS I thinking?

Let me start off this post by saying that I'm pretty sick and tired of dating. I'm just sick of the mess that I have to go through with guys, and more often than not-- they're pretty sketchy ones. After Chicago, I realized that I just have to get over things, move on, and make new memories with new people while jump into things wholeheartedly. This potentially presents a bit of a dilemma because sketchy guys and great memories do not always mix.

The great thing about dating is that I learn so much about myself and how I respond to the world. I wrote the majority of this post angry and jaded, but, now I've potentially gained more insight into this new-fangled dating world. Still, after over a year and a half of chatting with Australia-- what the fuck WAS I thinking?

Right Here, Right Now.

First off, I know this music post is going to get a fuckload of crap from my friends. To address this: I already told you. I fucking love High School Musical (campiness and all), so go fuck yourselves. Honestly, everytime I say goodbye (or attempt to), I think of this song. Ironically, I associate this song with a bad relationship (or love interest, my first love to be exact-- but that sounds totally fucking lame and I hate the phrase), but it's turned into so much more. It's sad because this scene, though meant to evoke all the emotions seniors feel during their last year of high school (except for me, because I nerded out and intellectually peaked in my senior of high school), is exactly how I feel at this moment. And no, I don't need a Zac Efron to feel this way: you all are my Zac Efrons. ;) (Which means I would jump each and every one of your bones)

Fashionista

Blogs are hard to keep up with.
But so are fashion blogs. I suppose this will be my fashionista post. :) I've been pretty inspired lately since my closet has been full of clothes that I haven't worn in forever.


It's been fun experimenting with my closet. Living in Chicago, I'm going to have to be a lot more stylish in order to fit in!

don't mistake me for somebody who's hung up on you

It's always hard to get over someone.
I should know, I'm still in the process. While Greg Laswell's Comes and Goes (In Waves) could be more appropriate to the situation-- instead of looking back, I'm attempting to look forward. It's all I can do. I'm trying to look forward because looking to the past just gets me sad.

And no one likes a sad bitch.

This song fucking kills me.

Especially at 1:30 in the morning, I can't help but attempt to fight back tears as I listen to this.

2012

"Fuck it."

I've always said that it is my motto in life, but I've never truly applied it.

Time to go do that.

Happy New Year, everyone.

I fell in love during the wrong season.

It's a known fact that summer is a season where romances should be kept light and casual. It is a season where one can flutter about and do whatever he or she wants-- as the heat rises, tempers, and minds flare up and cause indecisive thoughts. You shouldn't have to choose between a single person during the summer. However, as the temperature starts to go down, so do the amount of prospects, and the desire for one person to just cuddle up next to gets stronger.

Winter is a couple's season. Therefore, I fell in love during the wrong season.

A big part of me is in love with remnants of my past:

the people I hurt,

the ones that I used to love, 

the choices I've made,

and the mistakes that have transpired from them.

You know those days where you just want to stop the world and get back to your sweetheart?

This is one of those days. Granted, I no longer have a sweetheart to go home to-- but I still miss every inch of you. Maybe you'll come back to me one day.

Here's to hoping.

Short entry for now, as I'm working on my very long, extensive travel post.

xx

Christa

closing time

All I have to say right now is that it's closing time.

Fuck finals,

I'm done.

Peace.

(Not done with the blog, but the semester.)

xx

still now, I send letters into space

It's funny only because I had a conversation with one of my best friends today that went like this:

Her: You still miss him, don't you?

Silence. 

(It took me awhile to gather my thoughts and formulate an answer to give to her.)

Me: I don't miss him, I miss the idea of us. I miss what I had with him. Not him. I'm over him.

Her: Are you sure?

Me: Yes. Positive. If he came back, I wouldn't take him back. He'd have to earn that shit.

Still, I'd do it again.

Even though it ends up with me writing you unsent letters 

and wishing on every 11:11 

and every star and airplanes 

and knowing that I loved you entirely too much, entirely too soon. 

i never made promises lightly

Listening to this song will always take me back to middle school. I had the pleasure of singing this song for my dad's show. I was in some weird ass medieval-era costume and held a basket. I don't know. Don't ask me, I don't really remember. The point is... I was a late bloomer when it came to relationships. This song reminds me that when there's no other guy you can turn to.... your daddy is always there.

i was led astray, the day you walked away

This song will always remind me of Springfield, Missouri. No ifs, ands or buts. There's a big part of me that will rest with "Missouri", a huge chunk of my heart. It's impossible to be involved with someone for two and a half years and not have a sense of possessiveness with them. A portion of me will always be filled with regret and things I should have said (but didn't.) I will always look back at my time with Missouri fondly, if only to recall how hard I tried to open up, and how difficult it was for him to do so with me.

pull me into your weather patterns

To explain the relative importance of this song to someone in short-form is impossible. This song is the song that very fervently underscored the relationship (or lack of one) with my first love. I fell in love to this song, and it is one that I cannot listen to all the way without wanting to strangle someone, or at least shedding one tear. This song is the reason I cannot bare to think of the states "Virginia" or "Maryland" and not want to behead someone.

pugsy malone!

Everyone knows how much I love pugs.

This will always cheer me up.

Just a little image to cheer everyone up through finals.

xx

Christa