Monday, October 1, 2012

I was nineteen, call me.

I'm writing this because I'm kissing my teenage years goodbye, and waving hello to my twenties. It feels odd because now I can finally sing this song with all the heartbreak it deserves. It'll be nice to finally write about what nineteen meant to me.
I guess I'm going to write this post in order to apologize to the last guy I dated. I don't believe that I owe him anything, since I've said a lot of this to him-- but he's a decent and nice enough guy that I'll send him this in order to explain a lot of what was going on in my mind. In any case, I'm sorry. I really am. I guess after my last relationship, I really did believe I wanted something tangible and real. And I still do. Just not right now. And not with you.

I'm a firm believer in "making things work," because people do make things work when they really like someone. However, wit my move to Chicago-- it's been pretty stressful, and the last thing I need in my life right now is a boyfriend. That being said, if the right person comes along, will I let them go? No. But, the "right person" still won't necessarily be "the one." I don't know. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate from the two-- but at the same time, I am turning 20. I deserve to be selfish and happy, and if that happens to be alone, that's fine. I don't know, is it wrong to be so picky about who I want to end up with? Or want more for myself?

For the majority of 'nineteen,' I was in the midst of nursing a broken heart that I should have seen coming. I had been painfully optimistic for the majority of it, as evidenced by my blog posts over the past year. I was in love with a boy who had loved me back, and even though we had introduced distance to our relationship-- it didn't stop me because I had never felt so "right" with a man before. However, a lot of shit happened, shit I don't want to discuss, and this seemingly perfect relationship crumbled before my eyes.

To be honest, it was the only person I had ever felt was "the one." Other men in the past had been bits and pieces of this man, but no one could compare to him. I had never discussed marriage, kids, a family, any of those "future" topics as willingly and openly as I had with him. I don't know. I want someone who is on the same path as I am in life. Someone in school, or someone who's finished school-- someone who wants more for himself.

But then again, at 20-- we're supposed to be selfish.

No comments:

Post a Comment