I was nineteen, call me.

I'm writing this because I'm kissing my teenage years goodbye, and waving hello to my twenties. It feels odd because now I can finally sing this song with all the heartbreak it deserves. It'll be nice to finally write about what nineteen meant to me.

Promises aren't always forever

But I bought this ring over the summer and it represents a promise to myself. That I will love myself forever.

This is all I have to say.

"To my first love: I'm grateful for you. Grateful that even though it wasn't what I hoped for and even though it was never enough, it was. Some things never are... and we were. I won't forget you. I won't forget the summer. I'll remember who I was when I met you. I'll remember who you were and how we've both changed and stayed the same. I've never had more respect for life and living than I have right now. Maybe it takes a near death experience to feel alive." - Frank Ocean

Fuck you, insomnia. (Or: Why is every guy I meet such a fucking douche?)

DISCLAIMER: The only reason why I put up "Summer Girl" is because I wanted to have a fun "IDGAF, I'M SINGLE" song up. This, for some reason, is what I came up with.

Fuckity fuck fuck. I haven't been able to sleep and now I have a damn headache and I'm nauseous. In any case, I've made a pledge to myself not to date until I find the right person. Why? Because I'm old enough to know what I want, and I won't stop till I get it. Okay, but really, Christa. What's the real reason? Every guy that I've come across in the past few months just doesn't cut it.

It's really been the first time in awhile without any true "back-ups" or men I've kept on the sidelines. I suppose there have been men who have tried to chat me up, but I've realized that I probably deserve much better than them. Yes, some of them are cute. But damn, the lot of them are just too forward or not attractive enough (yes, I know I don't deserve to be superficial, but everyone is and I really don't give a flying fuck anymore. I won't be able to fuck you if you don't catch my eye.)  I'm aware the bulk of what I'm saying will potentially be offensive, but I don't care. People probably aren't reading this anyway, so lucky for them.

"You said I wasn't capable of loving you, I never was."

It's starting to settle in that I won't be back in Omaha come fall. In the meantime, I'm filling my void of not seeing any of my friends through Skype, which has been a productive experience. The summer entering our third year of college is a decisively busy and hectic one-- some of us are struggling to keep afloat, others are busy getting ahead. I'm sort of stuck in this weird in-between sort of land, and I haven't begun to reconcile that I probably won't be seeing a lot of my best friends for awhile.

However, I got to Skype with one of my close friends, Linh, today and it was wonderful. I always love talking to her because we end up learning so much about each other, and about ourselves. We ended up talking about dating, and it's interesting to see how far we've both come from our past relationships, and where we think it lies ahead.