Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Fuck you, insomnia. (Or: Why is every guy I meet such a fucking douche?)

DISCLAIMER: The only reason why I put up "Summer Girl" is because I wanted to have a fun "IDGAF, I'M SINGLE" song up. This, for some reason, is what I came up with.

Fuckity fuck fuck. I haven't been able to sleep and now I have a damn headache and I'm nauseous. In any case, I've made a pledge to myself not to date until I find the right person. Why? Because I'm old enough to know what I want, and I won't stop till I get it. Okay, but really, Christa. What's the real reason? Every guy that I've come across in the past few months just doesn't cut it.

It's really been the first time in awhile without any true "back-ups" or men I've kept on the sidelines. I suppose there have been men who have tried to chat me up, but I've realized that I probably deserve much better than them. Yes, some of them are cute. But damn, the lot of them are just too forward or not attractive enough (yes, I know I don't deserve to be superficial, but everyone is and I really don't give a flying fuck anymore. I won't be able to fuck you if you don't catch my eye.)  I'm aware the bulk of what I'm saying will potentially be offensive, but I don't care. People probably aren't reading this anyway, so lucky for them.

There is one person in particular that strikes up a few red flags, and at one point-- I was convinced I harbored a tiny crush on him. That crush is now long gone, and completely done with. He's pretty cute, but I wouldn't pursue anything other than a quick makeout session and a casual friendship... Why? Because he's one of those "friends by convenience." And also, attempting to chat with him is like watching paint dry. I'm not intellectually stimulated and the chemistry is just not. there. I find it funny, because it is there when he's bitching about his love life or how lonely he is. Let me just publicize the fact that he whines about how lonely he is only a few weeks after his last relationship. Really? Are you in high school? Can you not be alone for one second?

It's men like this that irritate me. Women don't find needy men attractive. Especially not women like myself, who pride themselves on their independence. I'm not saying I'm going to pull a Sasha Fierce and claim that I'm some independent diva who "don't need no man cuz he didn't put no ring on it," but I will say that it's healthy to be alone for awhile. It gives you time to figure out your shit and live your life. (#YOLO, am I right? Just kidding.) It's really nice to feel wanted sometimes, but women don't want a guy who needs a girlfriend for validation. If you do, you need a reality check and you need to grow up a little.

At one point in time, I thought that was something I wanted. I wanted someone who doted on me 24/7 and treated me like the "~PRINCEZZ~" I was. Then I had my first boyfriend and realized that was the LAST thing I wanted. Along the way, I confused this for wanting a man who I could verbally spar with and abuse because that meant we were "in love." I thought I wanted someone to fight with because it meant that we cared about each other. I was also, sadly mistaken on this point. It was only until my last relationship that I realized there was a fine balance, and that when you find someone  you truly love... you're going to want to spend 24/7 with that person-- without that person having to dote on you. Sometimes you'll just want to spend the days lazed around, curled up in each others arms. However, the person will want to dote on you, and sometimes that's good. But, until you find someone with that spark-- don't settle for anything less than you deserve.

In any case, I guess the point of this is: I know what I want. And if you're not-- I won't bother wasting my time. I don't mind being alone. I'm frequently alone, and I enjoy and treasure the time I am alone. Why? Because in this day and age, it's hard to find time to be alone. Sometimes, it's as if the most seemingly independent of people crave companionship. I'm not knocking companionship, or relationships-- I'm just saying, give me some time to figure out my own shit.

Once I can master being alone and loving myself, then I can ease my way into a relationship.
That's all.

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