i was led astray, the day you walked away

This song will always remind me of Springfield, Missouri. No ifs, ands or buts. There's a big part of me that will rest with "Missouri", a huge chunk of my heart. It's impossible to be involved with someone for two and a half years and not have a sense of possessiveness with them. A portion of me will always be filled with regret and things I should have said (but didn't.) I will always look back at my time with Missouri fondly, if only to recall how hard I tried to open up, and how difficult it was for him to do so with me.

I have mixed feelings about Missouri.

As many of you already know, Missouri is my (apparently) now-homosexual ex-boyfriend. (I'm not using names, so if he reads this, I didn't out him.) I don't mean to say that to sound harsh or derogatory in any way, but if you knew the both of us, you'd understand why I say "apparently." A part of me believes that he just told me that because he really is that, but a part of me believes he did it just to invoke and stir emotions and feelings that I had laid to rest. It took me a long time to get over him, and he came rushing back into my life, and left just as quickly.

Describing my relationship with Missouri would take a lot of time, and probably a lot of therapy. While I can never claim I was "in love" with him, a lot of who I am in relationships now is indebted to the way he treated me. I know, I know-- with the way I portray men, it was probably bad, right? No. Not really. He treated me surprisingly well for the latter parts of our relationship. It was actually shocking to see him so devoted to making "us" work. Unfortunately, everyone has their baggage, and that was the demise of our relationship. You see, Missouri had a tendency of putting his all into relationships in around the first few weeks, and then he'd disappear into thin air, without a trace for a couple of months. Any sane person would realize that this is pretty sketchy and makes for the most dysfunctional relationships. He would then come back after I had felt a sufficient amount of time had passed and "moved on," and then he would yell at me for "not waiting around, because that's what you do for people you love."

It's odd to think about how dramatically our relationship dynamic has changed. We were friends because of our similarities in personalities. The lovestruck eighteen-year old me claims that,

"We are perfect for each other, because we approach our relationships similarly. We flirt similarly, we have the same silly sense of humour, we end up dating people we don’t really like and become apathetic towards the person and our relationship, and when we really know we love someone, we’re scared shitless to lose them. We both become insecure little shits, and constantly push the other away when we really should be holding on for dear life."

While I can't argue with my eighteen-year old self, as I wrote that around half a year ago... I will say, sometimes you can outgrow people. So much of myself loved Missouri, but over the years, I felt that I could do better. So, part of me loathed myself for being with someone I could love so much, but someone who just didn't feel "right" for me. While Missouri had never really traditionally treated me like shit, I definitely did not deserve the way he felt he could just come up into my life, and then leave again without a trace, for months at a time. I also did not deserve the way that he would randomly stalk my blog, and then leave a message to me, if  he felt I was "getting over him in some way." Why did I keep going back if it clearly wasn't right for me? Part of growing up is to learn from the mistakes you've made, not dwell on them, and move on. I think a lot of the past year in college was hating myself for choosing a school in such close proximity to a guy I had claimed to be "crazy about," when it really wasn't the right choice for me, and then continuing to pursue a relationship that had clearly already ended before it really began.

Something struck me when we were fighting one day, and it finally clicked.  He had said something to the effect of, "You're not opening yourself up to me. You don't trust me. And you need to learn how to trust me." It confused me because I felt like I was-- but apparently not enough for his liking? Then I realized....

He was just projecting his own insecurities and flaws onto myself. He already knew that I had a tendency to not open up and hide myself. The sad fact was, he was the one that wasn't opening up. I had given so much of myself to him and our relationship that I was blinded by the fact that it was the other way around. I told him about so many things that were going on in my life. I opened up about my surgery, and my family life, and my dreams and ambitions. And that was all fine and dandy-- and then I realized I knew nothing about him. Nothing. I didn't know anything about the person I was supposed to be dating.

You know, sometimes love, in and of itself, is not enough to save a relationship. There are other factors that will end it. I'd like to be optimistic and say that "love conquers all," but sometimes it doesn't. While I loved Missouri with all my heart and soul, and genuinely cared about him-- I probably cared too much. Sometimes other things get in the way of a nice relationship, and sometimes that can be the people in them. Sometimes people aren't ready to commit to something so serious. Other times, the timing is completely wrong. Sometimes there's an imbalance between the "give and take" in a relationship. All of these things were things that ended my relationship with Missouri for the last time.