thinking about forever...

This song was written by one of the greats, Frank Ocean, for this artist, Bridget Kelly. The song is actually titled "Thinking About You," while Bridget renamed it "Thinking About Forever." I'm going to use this song to preface when I talk about my current dating escapades, mainly because this is exactly how I feel at the moment.

"A tornado flew around my room before you came, excuse the mess it made..."
I've only fallen in love once before this guy. I'll write about him later, but honestly, before 'Chicago', I don't think I've ever fallen in love with any other guy other than my first love. Naturally, after four years of this-- you'd think I would have fallen with someone else by now. Nope. Not a single person because of the mess that the hurricane left. While I'm over my first love, there is no denying that they leave a certain amount of baggage behind.

I guess what annoys me the most is that trying to date after Chicago is the absolute worst. There are still so many fresh wounds from the disintegration of my relationship with him that I can't even count them. I still bleed myself dry, and attempt to avoid the fact that I'm only hurting myself and others the further I go out into the dating world.

Case in point: I was talking to "Chicag-hoe" (Different from Chicago, I promise. It ends with 'hoe' for a reason!) last night, when he told me that he loved me. I freaked out slightly, mainly because I don't use that phrase lightly. It's becoming phased out slowly and diffusing and disintegrating into culture. Why has "I love you" lost all of its meaning? I feel like no one means it anymore. How can a man say he loves me after only about two or three weeks of us "seriously talking." And even then, I'm managing to speak to other men. It's not realistic, and I definitely do not feel the same way.

At this moment, I'm still reeling over the boy that I had my first serious, mature relationship with. A sign of entering maturity is the fact that it becomes easier and easier to talk about "the future." Perhaps it was just a summer fling (summer isn't exactly the season to have a "serious boyfriend.") But, come on. Relationships that feel real also feel extremely effortless. It felt like there was no effort between him and myself, but there was a significant amount put in. Relationships are a lot about give and take, and both of us balanced this out pretty well. Failed relationships usually stem from the imbalance of "give and take" between the two partners in the whole. There were a lot of firsts in our relationship: this was the first time I wasn’t really scared. It is an unusual feeling to describe, this feeling of being so safe, so secure. There was also the first time I felt comfortable talking about marriage, children, starting a family, my future, etc. with someone. Agreeing and disagreeing, arguing about what our points of views, and having serious talks about this kind of stuff. It’s all stuff that I never talked about in great lengths with other boyfriends, simply due to my views on those topics and how scared I am of the future. So, thank you to Chicago. You taught me a lot about what love was, and this is the song that I think about whenever I think about you.